Love is Love - Loving yourself is the essential ingredient

One common desire we as human beings share is love. The aspiration and necessity to share love and be loved is universal, yet is as unique as we are. The expectations vary in the quantity and quality we require. We love to share things we love. Whether it is music, food, movies, sports, hobbies, religion, politics, wealth or health issues, we love to share. We love to share things we love and yet often miss this essential element in regard to ourselves and in pursuing and growing our personal relationships. In sharing love, we must love ourselves, as well as the other person, and only in sharing the love for each other can we accomplish a strong relationship and the “win-win” model often referenced in business relationships. Makes sense, right? As mentioned, we must love our self in order to adequately share our self.

I think this is the primary problem in failing or faltering relationships. It is “a tough pill to swallow” since it is somewhat counter intuitive and skewed from what we’ve been told and taught. Consequently we assumed “selfish” behavior as the usual culprit in ailing relationships, where as it is actually very possible a totally selfless, non-loving of oneself, may be the principal obstruction in a troubled, unhappy relationship. This is referring to the deficit in self esteem and by no means is suggesting a decline in empathy or generosity. (These days, it seems these two are in direct proportion to the economy and have declined almost as quickly as it did. - I digress) I am also not trying to insinuate, or naive enough to think, that a new found self love or growth in esteem will retroactively fix a torn or dysfunctional relationship. The relationship was probably constructed on an unstable foundation from its inception, and more than likely needs reconstruction from both sides if it is to have a chance. Once you arrive at a place of better self esteem and love, you must really take a deep hard look at yourself in order to figure out where you need to be, and who will make you happy.

We all probably have some inkling or preconceived idea of the person we want to share our lives with. It too can be developed from a wide range of influences, which ultimately form these paradigms acquired by us, through living this life. These life altering forces are consequent to our beliefs which eventually determine our perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The person we have become has a schema or plan. Whether consciously or not, we develop a set of ideals of the person we want to be, as well as the person we would like to be with. Unfortunately we sometimes compromise our self in order to capture our prey? That sounds horrible, (I hope) but too many relationships are built on a premise of victory at any cost. Modifying our character to achieve a goal is a short term win, and is paradoxical to fortifying our self esteem. I am willing to bet that no one loves the person they become when they are acting in order to gain the “Love” they always wanted. Do you love this person? Is this person even you? Give it a break! Get real. This doesn’t stand a chance. You are destined to be miserable or a statistic. The poor person you coupled is the victim. How were they to know? Or maybe they are as shallow as you. “L” is not for “Love”, but for “Loser”, in this scenario.

This is it! Get real and be real! Love yourself, be yourself, and don’t compromise. The person you wanted to be should be the person you are. The person you want as your partner should be compatible with your criteria. You shouldn’t expect or perform drastic changes and neither should they. Evaluate yourself. Seek professional help if needed. Allow yourself the best possible chance at this thing we call love. Fix yourself, so you can love yourself, and end up with the person you desire and deserve. You prepare for everything else, so doesn’t it make sense that you make the necessary preparations for a lifelong relationship. Reach the precipice. Be so bloody happy with yourself that you look forward to each day and each encounter. Don’t compromise! Don’t be too impulsive! Lennon and McCartney said that they believe “Love at first sight happens all the time,” but that does not mean every time! Use common sense and give yourself a little time to evaluate the situation. Become friends before you make a mental commitment. This too sounds obvious, but is vital. You really do need to like someone (including yourself) in order to love them. Make sure the other person isn’t an imposter out to catch the grand prize! That prize being you! Think of it this way, you wouldn’t intentionally obtain a subpar gift for someone you love, so why would you settle for anything less for yourself?

Know who you are, know what you want and let life and love find you. This doesn’t mean the love of your life will come knocking on your door, but it does mean to give it an open invitation, and let it happen. Just make sure you are ready. Love yourself, know yourself, and live to love.

This is the last verse of “The One That Loves You The Most”, a Brett Dennen song from his “So Much More” album.

See, when you forgive your imperfections
And you’ve auctioned all your clothes
And look to see your true reflection
You will be the one who loves you the most

Unrelated to the subject matter, and strictly my own opinion, Brett Dennen is an absolutely, unparalleled lyricist/song writer, and as a singer/performer has as much soul as any 6’5”, red-headed, 30 year old, or anyone else. Do yourself a favor and give him a listen. I love his stuff, and wanted to share.